Cartoon: Getting high with pot food October 25 2014, 0 Comments

You love food and you love getting high.  If only you could combine your two couch oriented passions. Guess what?  You we can!  This isn't the Obama 2008 "Yes we can" that was going to be hard, fix America, and change the world.  This is the 2014 "Yes we can" that's going to be easy, make you high, and do nothing for anyone.

Ok, so you already have a small pouch of marijuana.  Now you just need to put it in brownies.  Here's what you do in your first attempt:

And here's how it tastes:

Here's how high it makes you:

After googling "how to make marijuana brownies", you come to the semi-horrifying conclusion: This is going to be a lot harder than you thought.  See, you can't just stick marijuana leaves into your favorite food because the drug within marijuana (THC) won't be released and you won't feel anything except the taste of bad tasting dry leaves.  Instead, you have to put on your chef hat and create what's called Cannabis Butter, and then use that butter as a replacement in whatever you were planning to make.  

Still with me?  Ok, let's continue.

How do you make Cannabis Butter?  Here's the short answer: It's messy, complicated, and you don't want to do it.  Don't believe me?  Here's a picture of what the process of making Cannabis butter looks like:

See that pan?  Just the thought of cleaning it up is going to kill whatever buzz you can get.  It's also easy to screw up, and it's just the first step of a mutli-step process.  If you're doing this instead of a bong because you thought this was easier, try taking glass blowing classes and creating a bong from scratch.  That's only a little less complicated and a little less messy than creating pot food from scratch in your kitchen.

Ok, so you're not going to make marijuana brownies.  How about you just buy some?  You're on the right track, but be prepared - this again is going to be harder than you thought.

You check out this list of ready-to-buy "edibles".  (An "edible" is another word for food with marijuana in it.)  You click on some of the edibles to see where you can buy them.  This is where you realize one of two things:

a) You live in Colorado and are really lucky and are near one of the stores

b) You don't live in Colorado

For 49/50s of the country, you fall in category (b), in which case your new choices are:

a) Get a medical marijuana card (assuming you live in one of the 22 states that have medical marijuana.)

b) Drive or fly to one of those states.

So let's assume through some combination of choices you end up at a pot store (legal or medicinal) that sells edibles.  Now you'll learn two more things:

First, holy crap, edibles are expensive.  A candy bar is $15.  A lollipop is $5.  A brownie is $7.  You might feel like the store owner is taking advantage of you, and you might huff and puff a little - as you pull out your cash.  

The thing to remember is that you're not buying food.  You're buying marijuana wrapped in food.  Marijuana typically costs $6 to get high.  If a pot candy bar gets you high twice, a $15 bar isn't a bad deal.  

Second, edibles are confusing.  This is what the key information on a normal candy bar looks like:

This is what the key information on an edible looks like:

The only think you'll get (if you're lucky) is the THC per serving and the number of servings.  You won't get calories, carbs, protein, or anything related to measuring "food".  On the other hand, as you'll find out later, THC is really the only thing you should care about (we'll get back to that in a bit...)

So you buy a few edibles and now you're home and ready to eat!  Here's where things can go really wrong.  They go wrong because, even though this is food-wrapped-marijuana, you're brain looks at it and just thinks "food".  

But you can't eat it like food, because what you would typically eat (like a whole candy bar) would get you far higher than you'd ever want to be (we're talking the super-annoying/paranoid/call-911-because-I'm-freaking-out high.)

So you tell your brain: "Brain, this is NOT food, this is marijuana."  But here's where you go wrong again.  If you've experienced marijuana before, you know it takes only a few minutes to start to feel the effects.  Not so with edibles.  Edibles don't kick in till much later - as much as 30-60 minutes later.  Remember the drug isn't getting to your bloodstream via your lungs.  It's taking the scenic rout through your stomach. 

As a result - not realizing this - you take what you should take, and - not feel anything a few minutes later - think, "hmmm... must not be strong... i'll have some more."  You're "this is food" instinct now has experiential evidence to counter whatever logic you were clinging to that was preventing you from eating the whole candy bar.  

So you eat the whole bar.  Even though a good high requires just 100 mg of THC, you scarf up 400 mg, and 15 minutes later, you're still not feeling anything (and are starting to think that was a really expensive candy bar.)

Then 20 minutes later, it hits.  And you're high.  And it feels good.  But now you realize you're just  feeling the effect of the first serving.  You know you have a 4 more servings somewhere between your esophagus and your blood stream.

At this point, you realize you're screwed.

Don't worry, you'll survive.  You may have wasted a bunch of marijuana, and you'll feel paranoid for the next few hours, but take it easy, relax, and don't go anywhere.  It'll pass and you'll have learned an important lesson.

The thing to remember about edibles is they act slow and last long.  So start small and be patience.  Next time (or if you heeded these warnings, the first time,) limit yourself to one serving and see how it goes.  Then expand from there.  If done right, edibles can be great.